adoptee remembrance day (2025)
the wound is relinquishment. the cover-up is adoption.
her birthday was three days ago.
i didn’t grow up knowing the date mattered to me. by the time she died, i’d already been introducing myself as “tatyana from canada” for years. i could say the script, smile at the right parts, keep everyone comfy.
adoption gives you paperwork and a story. it doesn’t repair the original break.
before adoption, there’s relinquishment - separation from first family, language, history, name. that’s the wound. adoption comes after - certificates, congratulations, a narrative to make it all make sense.
unfortunately, though, the binding doesn’t fix the break; most days it hides it. adoptee remembrance day (ard) exists - to make the hidden parts visible.
ard was started by pamela a. karanova. years ago, when i was still in church spaces, her writing gave me language i didn’t have - and continues to. read one of her latest:
Pamela A. Karanova
it’s possible to love the people who raised you and still tell the truth about the system that required your first family to disappear. it’s possible to be thankful for survival and also name what was taken. it’s possible to carry both - and necessary.
if you love an adoptee, start by listening. let go of “chosen” and “grateful.” prioritize their comfort over yours. learn from adoptee-led work. ask what would actually help, and follow though.
ard is a correction - a placing-back of what was removed.
personally, it’s a quiet promise to myself - to keep learning the names that belong to me, to hold space for the sister i should have grown up with, and to tell the story without the parts that made it palatable for everyone but me.
further reading:
tot ripman
kathryn post interviewed pamela and me alongside others about ard - 2022
