hit delete

back in 2019 i met a guy. i didn’t even wanna be friends with him but before i knew it, i was being told that it was gods will for us to be married and build the kingdom of god together. there were all these prophetic words and dreams and spiritual things that “confirmed” it. so, in my efforts to honour god, i decided to submit and pursue the relationship.

he quickly became emotionally, verbally, and spiritually abusive. i kept my mouth shut for months because at this point, i was fully persuaded this is what god wanted and i thought i deserved this treatment.

when things became unbearable, i started confiding in my pastor about details of the abuse within this relationship i was too ashamed to share with anyone else. he gaslit me, questioned and denied my experience, and told me women are more prone to being sensitive. this is very common. “covering and loving well.” it’s scary.

one day, when my pastor was praying over me about these abuses, he said “tot, you’ve just gotta hit delete on the past season.” basically, stop talking and crying about this and move on already. so i got the tattoo.

i didn’t know it then, but that stick and poke became a suppression tool for the next two years.

panic attack thinking about the relationship? let the peace of god in, tap the delete button, move on.

depressed and grieving what i’d lost? stop the tears, tap the delete button, move on.

questioning god and all those “prophetic words”? have faith, tap the delete button, move on.

that’s what god would want. don’t acknowledge your abuse. don’t acknowledge your pain. faith means moving on. have joooooy.

this tattoo was mega triggering for me the past year. i covered it with the logo from my new album — second half.

being in the second half means i name pain and heal instead of suppressing. i don’t put up with mistreatment because “god said.” every season of my life is mine. i don’t have to delete anything.